LifeFiles: California's Unwritten Driving Rules

Contrary to popular belief, Mexico isn't a problem. But California is.

Massive barbed-wire walls should not run east-west to keep Mexico out of the United States; the walls should be built north-south, to keep California out of the United States. It is time the Golden State be ejected from the union.

Savvy readers may note that I live in California -- in San Diego, where bad weather is such a rarity that statues are erected to commemorate more than 2 inches of rainfall -- so why such vitriol toward my fellow guys and gals?

Two words: California Drivers.

Admittedly, forcing California out of the republic would be a blow to the U.S. economy, but isn't it worth $1 trillion annually to ensure that Californians won't spread their driving habits to the other 49 states?

I was educated in the ways of the car in Minnesota, where merging isn't just a euphemism. Apparently my driver training lacked several key elements that are taught in California.

After years of observation, I have come to the conclusion that California drivers were taught the following:

First, and most importantly, driving is a competitive sport. Courtesy, rule-abiding and safety are for pansies. You must get there first. Your fellow drivers are your opponents.
If you do not already own a luxury sport utility vehicle, make an effort to do so (also acceptable are massive pickup trucks that are totally unnecessary for civilian use).
On two-lane roads (one lane going in each direction), you should never let anyone pass. If it looks as if an opponent is going to pass, speed up until he is forced to fall back behind you, at which point you should return to a speed that is 5 mph less than it was before the opponent tried to maneuver around you.
On roads with several lanes, it is best to position yourself in an opponent's blind spot. This way, she cannot move in front of or behind you. However, if she does not wildly speed up or slow down in an attempt to escape, she has been defeated and you should immediately change lanes and find another opponent.

Also, lane-changing is incredibly important in California driving. You should change lanes with extreme frequency. The "right lane/slow lane, left lane/fast lane" concept is for wussy states without a $35 billion budget deficit. In California, the fast lane is conditional, and you will need to change lanes often to find it.

If you can move forward 6 inches in another lane, you must change lanes. There is no exception to this rule. Even if traffic is backed up for 80 miles and crawling at 6 mph, you must still change lanes. Remember, you must get there first.

Even if you cannot move forward at all, you may still want to change lanes, just for practice.

However, when changing lanes, it is important to remember that you should never use your turn signal. Turn signals are a sign of weakness, and they will give away your strategy to other opponents. If you should happen to see an opponent use their turn signal, punish him by quickly positioning yourself in a blind spot.

The speed limit is, in California, the speed minimum.

Your foot should always be pressing down on a pedal -- never simply take your foot off the gas and just coast. People who coast don't get there first. When applying your brakes, do so aggressively.

On the rare occasion that it rains in Southern California, abandon all reason. Drive as if it is your last day on Earth and you are suffering from absinthe-fuelled madness while being attacked by bees.

If you see an out-of-state license plate, drive to kill.

(Much thanks to my wife, to whom this week's column was dictated as we crawled through nine hours of California traffic.)