Most of us love animals. Show us footage of cute creatures doing cute things, or big honkin' carnivores eating said cute creatures, and we're happy as clams. (Which, incidentally, do NOT get many Discovery Channel specials.)

As anyone who's been paying attention to the news is aware, however, the animal kingdom is not nearly as fond of us as we are of it. In fact, certain sectors of the "lower creatures" seem hell-bent on wiping us out and taking over our Barcaloungers. It's no longer just the Evil Squirrels, the menace has become endemic among all things small and scurrying.

Of course, some of our fellow humans, through sheer cluelessness, aren't helping a whole lot. Remember: it was the dumb dinosaurs that died first. Don't be the first Diplodocus into the tar pit.

Paging Darwin

In a valiant attempt to win himself a Darwin Award, a Madison, Wis., man checked into a hotel room to administer a head lice treatment. Things began to go horribly wrong soon thereafter.

This unnamed fellow had elected to use the popular method of using a flammable liquid to eradicate the pests, and to that end he soaked a hotel towel in rubbing alcohol and wrapped it around his head.

Now, this treatment takes time to work, and it's perfectly understandable that our hero became bored while waiting for the lice to depart or die. He decided to alleviate the boredom by firing up a cigarette. This was perhaps the most unwise decision possible. He suffered burns over 50 percent of his body. There was no word on whether the lice were killed, too.

Our crack Weird Chronicles research staff has learned that this treatment was recommended to the victim by a mysterious, squeaky-voiced advisor known only as "Fluffy," who spoke to him on the phone.

Zonked Out

In the continuing quest to create circus animals, a man in New Mexico has crossed a zebra with a donkey to create a creature referred to as a "zonkey."

Researchers at an Ohio university claim to have been able to ride two of the animals.

This makes perfect sense to me. Crossing a wild animal with one known for its stubbornness and propensity for kicking humans in their soft bits can only produce a docile, easy-to-ride creature. I'll be first in line to mount up.

Actually, I wouldn't mind having a couple of them around. Imagine the chuckle value inherent in replacing a thoroughbred in its stall with a zonkey. The audio alone would be worth thousands.

Once again, our research staff has unearthed evidence of Evil Squirrel involvement. It seems that the New Mexico breeder was visited by a small, gray, mysterious figure who stood on a tree stump and chittered to him the exact method by which the zonkey could be produced.

Self-Inflicted Stupidity

Taking a page from drug cartels everywhere, the Evil Squirrels are no doubt behind the current trend of humans medicating themselves with drugs intended for pet use only.

It seems that some drugs commonly prescribed for humans, such as ampicillin and tetracycline, can be readily found at some pet stores, and humans are buying them to self-treat a variety of illnesses. This is the sort of thing that comes from watching one too many episodes of "E.R."

The problem, of course, is that since these drugs are not manufactured for human use, they're not subject to the same quality control procedures as medications for humans. You could take some ampicillin only to find yourself dosed with, say, a mind-altering chemical that will make you think that all squirrels are cute and you should spend your next paycheck on roasted peanuts for them.

It sounds eerily possible, doesn't it? One day, you're a contributing member of society. The next, you're a palsied wreck, sitting on a park bench in a trench coat with a 100-pound sack of peanuts.

Bird Brains

In these troubling times, it is good to know that the greatest scientific minds around the world are working hard to determine ... what turns ostriches on.

At the "Ig Nobel" award ceremony, held at Harvard Thursday, the folks behind the Annals of Improbably Research bestowed their award on British scientists who discovered that human pheromones get ostriches all hot and bothered.

I'm never going to a petting zoo again.

The Brits share their award with the inventor of a dog-to-human language translator and the author of a definitive study on belly-button lint. This is a grouping of scientific heavyweights not seen since the days of the Manhattan Project.

On second thought, scratch that comparison. I don't want anyone letting these men anywhere near high explosives of any kind.

Urban Legend Of The Week

Nothing warms the heart of an Urban Legend junkie more than seeing one of the glitterati get caught by one, as Barbra Streisand did recently.

The aging diva has "retired" from concert performing, but made an exception for her Democratic pals, and included in her performance a blistering attack on President George W. Bush, during which she quoted what she claimed were the words of William Shakespeare:

"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind."

Small problem: Shakespeare never wrote these words. They've circulated on the Internet for ages, and were originally attributed to Caesar himself. However, words like "patriotism" and "citizenry" were unknown in Elizabethan England, and nothing even remotely like the quote have ever been found in Caesar's writings.

Not to be bowed, though, Babs admitted the mistake but stood by the sentiment of the words. I guess she gets a point for that. Maybe.

Get more on this and many other extremely cool Urban Legends at the About.com Urban Legends site run by my close personal friend David Emery.

As ever, I look forward to hearing from you. Drop me a line anytime!

Previous Stories:

• Sept. 27, 2002: Art For Art's Sake
• Sept 20, 2002: What's In A Name?
• Sept. 11, 2002: After The Fire
• Sept. 6, 2002: Shop Now, Shop Weirdly
• Aug 30, 2002: Let 'Em Strike
• Aug. 23, 2002: Save The Chronicles!
• Aug. 16, 2002: The Fungal Menace
• Aug. 9, 2002: Beware The Death Skeeters
• Aug. 2, 2002: Planes, Trains And Doughmobiles