Dear DoubleTake,
I recently met a 45-year-old man. He is kind very and loving. The problem is that he still lives at home with his mother.
She is retired and receives a pension from a good job, but he takes care of her finances.
He works in human services and does not make a lot of money.
I am 42-year-old professional woman who owns her own small home. We have talked about marriage, but every time I bring up his mother or money he changes the subject.
I don't want to live with his mother or to be the breadwinner of the family. I wonder if he's afraid to leave her and if I should I invest anymore time in this relationship.

BETTY SAYS:

Decide if kind and loving -- yet poor and chained to his mother -- is something you can live with.

With all relationships, you eventually have to outweigh the good with the not-so-good. And the bad aspects always seem to eat away at us. Every man has some nag-worthy issue. At least with him, it's a mother issue and not abuse, cheating, lying or drugs.

One thing's for sure: His feelings toward his mother and her money will not change.

Be realistic about the life you want to lead. If you're the type of woman who doesn't want to be bogged down with a hubby carrying a heavy load, then perhaps a marriage with him isn't the right choice.

EDDIE SAYS:

This has all the signs of not being worth it. You don't like major things about him, he doesn't want to talk about them and probably has too many years of dependency on his mother to break away cleanly even if he wanted to.

He may be a great guy, you must have some emotional connection to want to stay with him -- and perhaps some fears about never finding anyone acceptable -- but not much reason to see promise.

You have only tepid praise for him, want to talk about marriage before you know major things about him and he doesn't meet the criteria you apparently have for a grown-up partner.

It sounds like a desire to get married to someone -- anyone! -- butt up against your standards in life. We shouldn't follow rigid rules in love, but in this case I think your baseline measurements will keep you from making a big mistake.

Try to find someone who starts out with kind and loving but also has more to offer.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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