Dear DoubleTake,
Fifteen years ago, I decided it was time to get married. The guy I was seeing at the time seemed stable, funny, attentive, incredibly kind and was a great friend. But our sex life wasn't that great, and he told me he was a transvestite.
Despite two college degrees and an MBA, I wasn't sure what it meant. It meant he liked to dress up as a woman from time to time.
We had a long, long talk about his before I said yes to his proposal. He assured me he was not homosexual and he didn't want to transition to being a woman full-time. I questioned him long and hard about that one. I told him that was a dealbreaker for me and that I'd much prefer getting hurt now to waking up in 10 years and finding out different, when I'm in my forties and we have three kids.
He told me that being in women's clothes wasn't sexual for him. He assured me it was no big deal to him; he could take it or leave it.
About four years later, we had a baby girl, followed two years later by a boy. And our sex life bottomed out completely.
Last year he said he had decided that he was, in fact, a transsexual. I wasn't angry, at first. I was just resigned. I'd known the marriage was broken beyond repair and at least I knew why. We separated and agreed that I'd have full custody of the kids and he would not tell them about Daddy's little secret until we both agreed they were ready and could enlist the aid of a child therapist to assist us.
Now I'm angry. I'm not in love with this guy anymore, but I feel like in some ways he wasted 15 years of my life. He lied to me. But maybe he lied to himself, too. Why didn't I trust my instincts? Why didn't I honor that little nagging thing inside me that made me grill him for hours? I'm angry at him, and I'm angry at myself.
I can't bring myself to put myself out there anymore. You might say I have some serious trust issues here. What do I do? How can I get over this, forgive us both and move on? Am I right to be angry? Is the problem really that I didn't let myself get angry when he told me the truth finally -- that it took me a year to give myself permission to get mad?

BETTY SAYS:

Maybe you need a day off to go break things to release some anger, but after that, you've got to forgive your ex and yourself for this failed relationship. What's to say that your husband wasn't as confused as you were all along about his gender identity?

One positive thing to note is that your open-mindedness toward the situation so far means that you can continue to be loving moving forward. You and your husband recognize that your children will need some professional counseling, and know that there may be a "right" time to talk to them about his new identity. Your children's father must be in their lives, no matter if he's going through physical changes. We don't live in a world anymore where you need to shield children from these kinds of realities.

It would help for you to join a support group for women who may have had gay or transsexual husbands. The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation may have resources for you, as will other local therapists.

The only time you have to waste now is fretting over the past, so try and make peace with his choice and try and stay friends. Your intuitive skills are strong, so let that be your ally when you decide to start dating again.

EDDIE SAYS:

Your divorce story has a lot of juicy and unusual details.

But I'm not sure that what you're feeling goes that far from the norm. The full impact from the end of a marriage often takes a while to hit. Sometimes it comes when there's a new transition. Sometimes it's just that you spend the first year getting the details of your life in order before you can really assess how you feel about things. And, partly, it comes from the fact that you find new ways to feel as you process more.

Delayed anger. Feelings of a wasted chunk of life. Uncertainty about what you coulda, shoulda, woulda done. Many people who go through a breakup suffer from those things, just like you are.

Maybe you won't take much comfort from the fact that your suffering isn't unique, but you should also know that most people get over it and find happiness again -- sometimes with a new partner, sometimes not. But the worst feelings tend to pass; not as quickly as you would like, of course, but they do end -- or lessen considerably.

If the negative feelings become overwhelming, you could talk to a therapist or counselor to work through it.

But it sounds to me like this hurt -- as big as it is -- is something you can get past.

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Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Betty, a single woman in her 20s.

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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions. Double Take Archive:
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