Dear Double Take,I have been married two years to a guy I dated five years. We are both in our 40s. During the dating, sex was not a topic -- we would wait until we were married. I have been sleeping in the bed for two years while he sleeps on the couch. I beg for intimacy without prevail; I hear only excuses for why he cannot sleep with me.
I am not unattractive and have many male friends. I have tried to find answers since he can't provide any, but I can't find a reason why he cannot sleep and cuddle with me. Most women want money and tangible things. What I wanted is free ... and he cannot provide. I know it's only been two years of marriage, but I thought there would be some romance. I know I deserve more.
ALANA SAYS:This is a tough one. I know the stereotype about guys is that they're not into the cuddling thing, but that just hasn't been my experience.
It could be that your husband fits that male-intimacy mold, but it sounds like it goes beyond that. You didn't elaborate on the excuses he used for not sleeping with you. I can only imagine that they were superficial ones -- and not enough to satisfy you.
You need to get to the bottom of this. I'm a little surprised that you've let it go this long. You didn't get an idea during your courtship that he wasn't the cuddly type?
Give the guy an ultimatum: He tells you the truth and gets help, or else he can have the bed all to himself.
EDDIE SAYS:Sounds like this isn't about just the more sensitive things. I think this guy is also avoiding, well ... the thing that the stereotypes tell us that men focus on.
That doesn't mean that this guy is broken, but having zero interest and avoiding all contact -- it puts him well outside the range of normal.
Maybe he knows why he's scared or unwilling, maybe not. But whether he can give you intimacy or not, he needs to give you honesty. He should have told you before you were married what it would be like, and he should now either give you answers or go on a search with you (and some sort of professional).
Sleeping apart from you is a symptom of the problem. You can't fix it until you find out what's really going on.
Dear Double Take, My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 18 months.
I have one child from another marriage and he has three from another marriage. Only two of the children live with us full time; the other two we see every other weekend.
I really want to have a baby with my husband, but he is not happy about the idea. What should I do? Should I just forget about having one?
EDDIE SAYS:I like small families. I have one child, and that's the way we plan to keep it. And I can't help but think that anyone who goes for more is just a little bit crazy (my own parents included).
Which is to say that I find it very easy to say, "You've got a lot of names and birthdays to keep track of already. Why not just call it good?"
Besides being a father of one, though, I'm also a man. I don't know that we can ever quite imagine the same draw to having children that some women do (even men who really want to have kids). So my advice is to just enjoy what you've got, but I suspect that won't be good enough for you.
ALANA SAYS:Come on, now. The idea of having a baby with your husband didn't suddenly occur to you -- my guess is that you talked about this before getting married and knew at that point that the guy wasn't crazy about the idea of having more kids. So, you likely got into this marriage knowing that might never happen.
That said, "not being happy" about the idea isn't necessarily a "no." Maybe he just needs some time to get settled into this new life before he seriously considers the idea of another child. Maybe you just need to have a heart-to-heart about your wants and really feel him out.
However, if you've already made it clear how much you want a child -- and he was equally clear about his feelings on the matter -- you really just have to let it go.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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