Posted: 5:23 p.m. EDT May 21, 2003
A few years ago, my friend Lori was about to head down the aisle with a guy who she loved, but who didn't fit her future plans. He wanted the whole big family; she just wanted a good relationship with one person.
They were in love enough for her to say "Yes," but they weren't compatible enough for her to say "I do."
While it's easy to get caught up in a great love affair, it's not always easy to gauge the long-term potential of a relationship with the cloud of love hanging in the air.
I'm going through that with Jack. I have been in love before but this time it feels different for both of us. So we've started talking about the future and evaluating whether we can make it over the long haul.
It may seem an easy question to answer: Are we compatible?
But when I'm thinking about the rest of my life, every little aspect of my relationship holds more weight.
This is the first relationship I've ever had where I really fought with the other person, which I take as a sign that I'm more upfront about what I do and don't like. But at some times it feels like maybe we're just not that compatible after all.
The thing is, no one gets along with everyone all the time. So how do I know when the little spats signal a larger irreconcilable difference before we move forward?
While love is the ultimate in many ways, can it conquer all the little disagreements and differences of opinions?
I've actually tried a few of those Cosmopolitan-type quizzes, which never really reveal as much about my relationship as they promise. Multiple-choice answers about ridiculous scenarios don't exactly apply to my life.
Thinking about the times when our compatibility is stretched, I realize it's often a result of spending so much time together. It's inevitable to clash, and it doesn't help when I let my naïve notion that when you're in love everything is nice and easy slip in there.
More than that, my love and I come from different backgrounds and value different lifestyles. I'm more of a social butterfly; he likes to stay close to home base. Sometimes this can be a sticky issue because I enjoy dating someone who is as outgoing as I am.
For some couples, it's the issue of different temperaments. My friend Joanne can't stand it when her boyfriend, who she talks about marriage with, has outbursts where he curses at and hits inanimate objects. His tantrums make her really uncomfortable, but he explains that that's how he lets off steam. While he may outgrow these down the road, maybe he'll get even more impatient.
Sure, certain behaviors can be modified to accommodate the needs of the other person, but there are some differences of opinion that probably spell doom no matter how hard a couple tries to overcome them.
Luckily, Jack and I agree on wanting to start a family, with or without each other, some day in the future. But many couples aren't so in synch in that regard. And this gap seems to be the hardest to close.
When something you really value is so important that you can't imagine life without it, it's time to look at the person you're with and figure out if he is worth more than the whole picture.
It's a tough call, because in many ways it's hard enough to find the right person before you can think of the rest of the story.
But happiness is in many ways about getting what you want, and the right person for love may not be the right person for your ultimate goals.
Time is the real telling factor as long as you don't let those goals slip away. Perhaps he doesn't want kids now, but after a few years he may reshift his focus and make room for that type of life.
Beware, however, of confusing chemistry for long-term success. Getting along in the bedroom does not necessarily translate to getting along in the living room or those rocking chairs you envision on your front porch some day.
Love is a choice that requires compromises and shifting. There is no perfect match.
It comes down to how well you get each other, how well you communicate and how well you deal with those stumbling blocks.
My guy and I are near opposites when it comes to politics and social styles, but being with him is more fun than without.
I know other differences will crop up along the way as we and our needs change. In the meantime, I'm sticking with what works, letting the love flow and tackling the challenges as they pop up.
Let those little relationship quizzes say we're not going to make it. I know better.
Laura Lewis is an adventurous 20-something who knows how to make the most of being single. Her column appears every other Thursday.