Updated: 8:43 a.m. EST October 28, 2003
Dear Double Take,
I have a concern regarding a coworker who is at times very hurtful. I have been on my job for seven months. This coworker was responsible for training me when I started. That training turned out to be inadequate. She was very condescending.
I took it to be that maybe she was just too busy, but now I wonder. I've tried everything to be friendly with her. We both are about the same age, we both have three children, all about the same age. I thought we would have something in common. When I try to talk to her, it's like she doesn't trust me, she's guarded in what she says to me, and her responses are short. I've tried to start conversations with her, but it's always like she's not really interested. She never starts a conversation with me about anything except what has to do with work. I've even given her a large box of nice clothes for her grandbaby.
I can't figure out if she's jealous of me because she's going through a divorce, while I'm still with my husband, or if she's prejudiced (I'm black, she's white), or if she just doesn't like me. It really hurts me. I invited her to lunch a couple of months ago, I told her just to talk about work. I never got a response from her about lunch.
I think the general consensus in the office is that I'm quiet, but I'm not; I just feel isolated and unwanted. I am the only black in the office. Can you help me figure this out?
ALANA SAYS:
Ah, you have the "people must like me" syndrome. Hey, I have it, too. If someone isn't friendly to me, I automatically blame myself and wonder why the heck they wouldn't like me.
This kind of situation is particularly tough in a work environment. Your self-esteem takes a beating, and this unfriendly person's judgment might influence others' about you -- at least that's how you perceive it.
It could be, however, that the woman really doesn't mean to be unfriendly. Maybe she just doesn't know you as well, and that's why she isn't opening up.
But no matter the reason this woman isn't being friendly, there's only so much you can do to reach out to her. Sure, you should still be friendly, but concentrate on making other friends in the office, and who knows -- maybe this woman will warm up when she sees you interacting with others.
Face it: not everybody will always like you. Very, very rare are the people who get along splendidly with everyone. But as long as you can work effectively with your coworkers, you don't have to be friends.
EDDIE SAYS:
Maybe she's somewhere between slightly prejudiced and racist. Maybe there's just something about you she doesn't like -- I once heard someone say, "She's nice enough. I just can't stand people who wear their hair in a bun." Maybe she is just bitter about life in general. Maybe she's been in the office forever, and until you've been there for a few Olympics and presidential elections -- that is, you have worked there a few years -- she won't trust you.
Whatever it is, Alana's right. You've got the job, and while it doesn't sound like it's comfortable, it doesn't sound like she's overtly hostile, or directly tries to undermine you.
Yes, work is easier when the people in the office are more than just well-groomed folks you have to nod and say good morning to five times a week. But you can get through a day without having your best buddy around, and sometimes that's what you have to be happy with.
Dear Double Take:
My wife and I have been married for nine years. Years ago, my wife was abused and it has ruined the intimacy in our marriage. We've been through one year of marriage counseling and she's been through two years of individual counseling. Two years ago, she stopped going and refuses to go back. I had been willing to go with her, but she wants no part of it.
I have been loyal to her for the past four years of celibacy and I'm on the verge of packing my bags and leaving. How should I tell her how displeased I am without it sounding like an ultimatum? Next year I'm leaving if things don't drastically change.
EDDIE SAYS:
There are two theories on ultimatums. Some folks will tell you never to use them because it's not fair. Others say that they should only be used if you really, absolutely, truly mean it and can stand by what you say, and not make excuses and rationalizations.
I can tell you this: If you've already made a deadline in your head, then it's unfair of you not to tell your wife what you've decided, forcing her to read your mind or guess.
Maybe she doesn't know that you're that unhappy about the forced celibacy. If you presented therapy as just a chance for her to become healthier, and just that, she may not know how badly you want a sex life with her.
You got to decide if sex was more important than the rest of your marriage. Let her do the same.
ALANA SAYS:
I feel like your letter is only half the story here. How healthy is the rest of your relationship? Is this the only trouble spot? My guess is that since you haven't conveyed your displeasure about your sex life, communication is lacking elsewhere in your marriage as well.
I have to say, leaving a marriage because the sex isn't what you'd like it to be sounds pretty shallow. But, again, I don't know the full story. Maybe it's one of myriad problems.
But if it isn't, that's all the more reason to have a heart-to-heart with your wife. If this is the one big issue that will make you go or stay, she needs to know it, and she needs to know that she has your support for going back to therapy.
As one ex-boyfriend of mine mourned after I was finally fed up enough to break up with him, I hadn't given him any sort of warning -- or a chance to turn things around. (No, the breakup was not sex-related -- and I'd argue he had plenty of warning.)
If you truly want to make your marriage work, and you haven't already made up your mind about leaving your wife (as in, you're not just biding your time), tell her how you feel and give her the chance to decide how she feels.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man approaching his 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.
E-mail questions to doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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